Difficult Conversations made do-able…

Difficult conversations with an aging parent are part of the deal.

Common topics include driving, accepting outside help, moving out of the home, end of life wishes

As adult children we want the best for our aging parents; we want them to be safe, well cared for and happy.

This often creates a situation where we’re trying to convince or persuade a parent to do something.

It rarely works and there’s a better way.

Talk to your parent with the intention of listening to them. Understanding what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling and what’s most important to them.

A conversation with the intention of listening more than talking is an important step.

·      It creates a space where your parent feels heard and valued. From this perspective it’s possible for their mind to be less resistant to considering options available to them.

·      It opens your eyes to what’s important to them and you’re better able to offer solutions that more closely align with their priorities. You’ll be able to frame suggestions as a way to help them get or keep something that’s important to them.

·      It demonstrates respect for them and builds on the relationship that you have with them.

It’s best to have the conversation in a 1:1 so that your parent doesn’t feel like they’re being ganged up on. If you’ve got siblings, decide who will be the spokesman and have that person initiate the conversation. You’ll want to begin with generic, broad questions to get a sense of their mood and openness to talking more.

If the conversation is around driving you might begin with

            “How’s your car running? Do you have any service you want to schedule?”

“You know I really care about you mom & I want to understand better what you’re feeling about not being able to drive at night anymore”

If it’s about mobility:

“I noticed that you stumbled a little getting up the steps earlier, is that happening often?”

If it’s managing the household :

            “Tell me, what are the best and worst things about managing the household alone?”

When you’ve got a willing conversationalist, useful follow up phrases that provide excellent listening opportunities include:

            “Tell me more”

            “What else is on your mind”

            “If things were to get worse, what would you like to see happen?”

The following phrases are progress stoppers because they put your parent in a defensive mode:

            “The doctor said you should…”

            “I don’t understand why you don’t…”
            “You need to…”

            “When are you going to…”

            “Why don’t you…”

Defensiveness doesn’t allow space for open conversations and opportunities to hear what your parent is thinking. They’ll shut down and be less likely to engage in future conversations with you. If you hear any of the phrases coming out of your mouth, stop and remind yourself that you’re not conversing to convince or persuade, you’re conversing to listen and learn.

So how do you talk to them with the intent of listening?

The key for you to remain in listening mode is to keep in mind that what’s a priority for you is probably not a priority for your parent. As adult children we’re focused on keeping them safe and we think that they’re our responsibility. While this is coming from a place of love it’s in conflict with what your most important role is, to just love them.

Our perspective is based on:

            Minimizing guilt – we want to feel like we’re doing our part

            Fear – of them getting hurt, sick or dying

            Wanting them to be happy and comfortable

Needing to know what will happen next, so you can prepare and stay ahead of their needs

Now consider what the average aging person’s focus is:

            Staying in their own home

            Remaining independent

            Staying in control of their daily activities and major choices

            Spending quality time with family and people they like

Most older adults will choose independence over safety. Adult children place a much higher value on safety and longevity. Considering this, conflict is normal but it doesn’t have to be a relationship stressor, when you talk with the intent of listening and learning what matters to them.

And realize that it’s not your responsibility to keep them safe and happy. Your role is to be concerned and offer whatever help you’re able to provide. As long as

Many people will choose to live in situations that you and I wouldn’t tolerate ourselves, and that’s ok.

It’s likely that you’ll need several conversations around any matter you’re trying to address. Give them time to think and respond, knowing that their response isn’t about defiance, it’s what’s going on in their mind about their future. Remember that this isn’t about who’s right and who’s wrong. It is about understanding better what your parent feels and values and what’s most important to them.

It takes effort but remember to put your own feelings aside. Of course you feel fear and frustration but communicating from those feelings isn’t helpful. Do your best to remain neutral. I find it helpful to adopt a curious posture in every conversation. “I wonder why she feels so strongly about that” is my go-to question that I have on repeat in my mind when talking to my mom. When I’m curious, I’m open; when I’m frustrated, I put up resistance.

Finally, you’ll know it’s time to abandon the conversation if your parent is visibly angry, begins to cry, either of one of you starts to argue, your parent leaves the room.

Let it go and wait for another day to try again.

The journey with aging parents is often a marathon and our natural inclination is to treat it as a sprint. We feel good when we’re taking action and doing something. Use this as an opportunity to slow down, step back and decide who you want to be in this role. There are no instructions to follow and there are ample opportunities to give yourself grace and develop the quality of patience.